Witch Hunter Robin: Destroy All Witches!
by felinefemme
Summary: A parody of WHR & Godzilla... God bless both their heartsD
1. Chapter 1

Title: "Robin: Destroy All Witches!"

Author: FelineFemme

Summary: A parody of both Witch Hunter Robin & Godzilla, God bless both their hearts. Don't own either of them, but I wish I did;D And I'll probably massacre, er, mention more lovely sources for this fic, heh heh heh!

* * *

_"Three hundred and twenty years have passed since the coven sank in the dark._

_A glimpse into another life._

_Monstrous powers overwhelm those who would control them._

_Mind-numbing terror strikes the human heart._

_The world succumbs to mayhem._

_Visitors from another wo--."_

Ah, screw the format, it's --

**"Witch Hunter Robin: DESTROY ALL WITCHES!"**


	2. Chapter 2

A couple is laughing, walking through the crowded streets of Akihabara, pleased as punch with their purchases. Suddenly, something whizzes past their heads, and the woman yelps, startled. It isn't long before the air is filled with flying objects, and more people are screaming.

"What's that?" the woman's panicked voice asks.

"I don't know!" her boyfriend shouts back.

They shut up quickly when they spot a madman walking calmly through the now-deserted streets. They figure he's mad because his eyes are bulging and everything flies around him like a hurricane, and his floppy hat never leaves his head in spite of the seemingly wild wind. Left and right, people are running and ducking for cover, acting as if a natural disaster rather than a strange supernatural occurrence was going on.

It isn't long, however, before people start panicking in the wake of this monstrous person, who, by his very presence, causes objects to fly and bury themselves into buildings and vehicles. He grins when he sees people are finally acknowledging his actions, and he continues onwards, somehow getting bigger and bigger, his path leaving behind devastation similar to a small tornado's.

And then, to the giant hat man's shock, two black cars, a motorcycle and a moped surround him. "Are you crazy?" he asks his would-be attackers.

The guy on the motorcycle jumps off, firing something like green bullets wildly at the giant. "Darn!" he sighs as he pretty much misses most of his shots.

The couple of shots that actually hit the big guy take effect, and now the huge man looks scared as the wounds glow green. "Why are you people doing this???"

"Because you're a Witch," a deep, serious manly voice replies, and the speaker, a tall dude wearing way too much black, fires what looks like an RPG launcher several times, hitting the Witch's central mass. The Witch crumples to the ground with a large thud, and an oil tanker-like vehicle with no windows pulls up, unloads a bunch of CDC-costumed people carrying guns. They promptly surround the fallen bad guy like Liliputians surrounding Gulliver and load the giant onto something like a trailer flat, clamping his limbs down with large metal clamps.

One of the bystanders whistles. "You're so cool!" the businessman shrieks like a fangirl. "What's your name?"

A slight breeze, unrelated to the Witch being wheeled into the tanker, manages to lift both longish hair and trench coat of the man in black. He says nothing, but squints suspiciously at the screamer before getting into his black, black car and driving off.

"Amon, what a showoff," Sakaki grumbles before getting on to his vehicle and also driving off.


	3. Chapter 3

**For Moonsister, who was kind enough to encourage the insanity, heh heh heh...;D **

* * *

Back at Raven's Flat, everyone is buzzing with excitement around the conference table, making Michael pretty nervous about the equipment. "It appears that the number of Witches are increasing," Amon says to squash the irritating buzzing noise.

Robin pipes in sympathetically. "There are lots of people out there who carry the Witch genes."

Sakaki rolls his eyes. "Which is why we're on nonstop Hunts. Duh."

The Chief harrumphs. "Harrumph!" he glares, getting everyone's attention. "Look, I know you have been working hard," he says in his gruff voice, "but the least you could do is watch TV once in a while."

"What? Why?" Karasuma frowns.

The bald man strokes his abbreviated mustache. "So Michael can get some rest and you can get information from news channels. Duh."

They all stare at him in consternation, then shrug and lean back while Michael hits a couple of buttons to allow several Tokyo news stations to feed through their monitors. They giggle at various fluff reporting pieces, although Dojima was excited when they announced a new Donatella line in the spring.

Then a news bulletin interrupts their mindless channel surfing to bring important news.

"We interrupt this report to bring you important news!" the overly-excited reporter gasps.

"What is it?" Dojima wonders.

As if he heard her, the reporter says breathlessly, "There's been another attack on the city!"

Sakaki frowns. "Who could it be?"

"This may be disturbing for young viewers. But for the rest of our audience, look behind me!" the reporter now motions to the cameraman, who pulls away from the reporter's close-up to reveal people lying all over the place, apparently dead due to the massive blood that's spilled from their mouths. "According to the police, there have been no signs of sarin gas or any other kind of poison to cause this. And the military denies using civilians as guinea pigs for chemical weapons. Police are at a loss to explain this!"

Michael stares horrified at the scene. "It appears to be -- a Witch!"

"What could have awakened such destruction?" Robin purses her lips, once again saddened by Witches' random acts of destruction.

Karasuma offers, in her usual calm fashion, "It could be the long-term effects of the bomb, mutation caused by radiation, or possibly even an extreme trauma or stress on one's life."

Dojima smirks. "If that's the case, then there would be a lot more Witches."

The hacker shrugs, the glow of the monitors reflecting on his glasses. "We can track Witches through their bloodlines, but until they manifest, they are merely Seeds, living just like the rest of us on an idyllic island."

Sakaki blinks. "Well, that's possible, but what on earth is making them so big???" he yelps.

Michael pauses carefully before answering. "Something not of earth -- it could be aliens, you know."

They all look at him, their mouths open with shock.

Amon quickly closes his mouth once he realizes it's not cool. "Okay, now you're talking crazy talk," he says in his deep, manly-man voice. "It doesn't matter why they're getting big. It's enough that we know what they are and how to deal with them." Then he makes a Grand Dramatic Exit, which leaves everyone in the quandary of dealing with anticlimactic exits.

"Drat that Amon," the Chief growls. "He's too damn cool."

Everyone nods wisely


	4. Chapter 4

Later that day, after everyone except Michael and Amon went to Harry's to stuff their faces, they head back to headquarters to watch sumo results -- I mean, the news, in the conference room.

Michael leans back, the reflected lights making eerie spots on his glasses. "It sounds like the Japanese military is taking a crack at dispelling the Witch problem," he comments.

Dojima, in full Little Bi -- I mean -- Rich Girl mode, smirks. "You're kidding, right? Once the Witch destroys Tokyo, only then will they ask for our help!"

Ever so reasonable, Karasuma says in her reasonable voice, "Yes, but can you blame them for wanting to take center stage? Especially with a threat so public. Besides, we're equipped to handle it." She sighs, a grown-up sigh, unlike the bratty sighs Doujima makes. "When are they ever going to learn?"

Sakaki blinks. "The military?"

His partner shakes her head. "No, the scientists. There is only so much you can explain with genetics, but when it comes to motivations of the psyche, they have no clue."

From out of nowhere, of course, oozing serious cool, Amon says, "Spoken like a scryer. Tell me, Michael, where was the first attack?"

Okay, now the hacker's on the job, typing furiously. "It was near Akihabara, Electric City," he says, not looking up from his monitor. "The fact that there were so many people during that time of night presented a problem for the military, and there were many casualties as a result. Military has strength and numbers, true, but flexibility and subtlety isn't their strong suit."

"Neither is taking down entire cities," Amon remarks, "which is what Witches do. Michael, see if you can't find open areas in every major city towards which we can steer people before our own assault. The less civilian casualties, the better."

Dojima smirks. "You sound like a military leader yourself, Amon. Tell me, O Great Leader, whatever shall we do without you?"

In his usual monotone and expressionless expression, their Great Leader replies, "Run and hide like the rest of Japan, I suppose." With that oh-so-sympathetic statement, he makes his noiseless exit, leaving everyone with their mouths hanging open.

"He didn't just make a joke, did he?" Sakaki wonders.

Karasuma shrugs and sighs. "Even if he did, he'd never admit it," she smiles, reaching for her coffee mug. When she puts it to her lips, she sighs again. "Robin, do you know if there's still coffee in the pot?" She looks around when there's no answer. "Where's Robin?"

The oddly blonde girl shrugs more exaggeratedly than the older girl. "Who knows? If she's not busy mooning over Amon, she's inhaling espresso after espresso at Harry's."

Michael spits out his own coffee. "She moons over Amon?"

Dojima rolls her eyes. "Duh." She picks up her coat and walks out.

"Hey, where are you going?" Sakaki wonders.

The blonde girl flashes a bright smile. "Why, shopping, of course!" she chirps. "All those anti-Witch fashions are flying out the stores!"

"You do realize that there's no such thing as anti-Witch clothes," Michael smirks.

She nods, skipping out on her oh-so-couture high heels. "I know, but they're so cute!" she beams before leaving.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day, Nippon News Communication is having a field day with the news events around the world. The news anchorman declares excitedly, "The major cities in the world are being destroyed, one by one, by Witches. Moscow by Kazuma Kurata," and the screen is filled with a giant man with slicked back hair, scarab tattoo on his left hand, raising his hands upwards to welcome showers of bugs from the gray Russian skies, "Peking by Sayoko," and thousands of Chinese flee from a huge young woman with long straight black hair, long gloves and much invisible slicing, "and London by Chie." The last is illustrated by a plain-faced young giantess with freckles and dowdy clothes, using the Tower of London as a play set for her huge dolls, with the normal-sized Brits screaming for their lives.

Meanwhile, back in Japan, a general is staring grim-faced at the TV screen. "Japan's Self-Defense Force shouldn't have to rely on such shadowy organizations like STN-J to defeat the Witches," he says, his back facing the room full of scientists, media and politicians. "The SDF has a long and proud tradition of defending Japan."

"Uh, General Zaizen," his aide taps him on the shoulder, "we're all behind you."

"Of course you are," the general says tersely.

The aide clears his throat nervously. "No, I mean, nobody can really hear you because your back is facing us. Could you repeat that, please?"

General Zaizen turns around slowly and glares, his small eyes and Spock-like eyebrows apparent even under his military helmet. "I don't need to repeat myself, do I?" he barks.

The room full of people shakes their heads quickly. "No, no, that's okay," they all say, waving their hands.

One corner of the general's stiff mouth goes up, making an audible creak as it does so. "Good. Now, who would you rather have save the day: a bunch of morose goth freaks with glowing green bullets, or," and he inhales deeply, filling his chest, and does a muscleman pose, "the might of the Japanese mili -- I mean, Self-Defense Force, fighting for you?"

"Is that a trick question?" the Japanese prime minister asks.

General Zaizen drops his muscleman pose and glares, straight back, arms at his side, standing stiffly. "Prime Minister, I hope you are not seriously thinking about putting our nation's welfare in the hands of those," his jaw twitches, "children."

"They're not children," the prime minister glares back, albeit not as frighteningly as the general. "Well, not normal ones. And considering the state of the world, we don't need normal. We need Hunters who can fight Witches. And that's why we're sending them out to other countries as we speak, while Japan's SDF can do the job it's supposed to do: Defend Japan."

Everyone in the room stands to their feet and applauds, while a swell of patriotic music fills the air. The general's jaw twitches one last time before he salutes, then turns stiffly and walks out. "That may well be the last speech you make," he mutters as he hits the elevator button at the end of the hallway.


	6. Chapter 6

In Russia, Robin is bundled up, her weird handlebar hairdo hidden under a furry cap, yet she manages to move quickly under the long, thick woolen coat. Her green eyes flash with fire before the flames torch the clouds of insects overhead. Kurata is still laughing maniacally, his insanity magnified by his size. However, when he sees his bugs falling from the sky in burning clumps, he screams, and people below cover their ears. "Nooooo!" he bellows, his face becoming old and wrinkly by the second, "my pretty, pretty face!"

"Um, did he say what I think he said?" Sakaki frowns, reloading his Orbo grenade launcher.

Robin, still taken aback, nods numbly. Then she shakes it off, and her furry cap falls off. "Should I torch anything else?"

"Hold on, pyro," the rookie says before firing off the launcher. For once, he scores a direct hit, and the giant Witch goes down like a pile of bricks. Unfortunately, Kurata's head lands on Sakaki, who groans. "Why do I have the suckiest luck?" he grunts, shuddering when the old Witch's skin touches his own. "This is so gross."

"Need some help?" Robin asks as her teammate continues to struggle against the mountain of a head.

"Sure -- no, wait!" he says quickly when he sees the fire light up her eyes. "Maybe something like a lever or crowbar."

Robin nods, a little disappointed, then picks up the grenade launcher and props it under Kurata's sagging skin. Reaching out with her gloved hands, she tugs at Sakaki's hands until he falls on top of her. "Ow," she sighs as he rolls off her, "I hope everyone else is doing all right."

Sakaki brushes himself as he stands, then pulls Robin to her feet. "I'm sure with Mr. Amon, they're doing just fine," he replies. While she dusts herself off, he pulls out his communicator. Before he can hit the button, a huge UFO that looks suspiciously like a pie tin with a tinfoil-covered balloon on top suddenly appears overhead. As he and Robin stare upward with open mouths, a bright, if low-tech special effect, light beam shoots out from the UFO and covers the Witch, and the Witch disappears in a blink. In the next blink, the UFO is gone, too.

"Am I smoking crack, or did that just happen?" Sakaki finally asks.

Robin frowns. "Is that another Japanese saying?"

He groans. "Never mind. We gotta let HQ know about this." He dials in while she stares up at the sky, looking thoughtful in her usual angsty way and figures she's probably thinking about Mr. Amon again. When he hangs up, he grins. "It's not just us," he says, and she looks at him questioningly. "I wish I could've seen the look on Mr. Amon's face."

Meanwhile, back in Australia, Amon is snapping at everyone. "Michael, if you even put that picture in the report, I'll--"

"You took a picture?" Dojima's squeal can be heard all the way from Japan. "Can I see?"

"NO!" Amon thunders, but to no avail. His coolness factor is shot down to negative ten as Michael blows up the picture and sends it to all communicators. And worldwide, the Hunters laugh their asses off. "I hate you," he mutters to the hacker, intending to pwn the kid's ass or die trying.


	7. Chapter 7

While STN-J and Solomon have their fun at Amon's expense, a large tinfoil-covered, erm, that is, UFO shows up over the Tokyo Diet. Just as surprisingly, the media shows up, and point their cameras upward. A bright light spotlights the entryway to the venerable political building, and everyone gasps when human-like figures appear on the ground. The light shuts off, and standing there are three people dressed in plastic yellow firefighter-like outfits, big metallic spangles hanging off of the sides of the helmets. The one in the middle steps forward, and the media steps back, but still point their cameras at them. "I am Touko, Queen of the Kilaaks," the self-proclaimed leader says, pronouncing the strange word like "key locks." "We come in peace."

Everyone, except Michael and perhaps General Zaizen, are surprised and shocked. Or perhaps it's shocked and surprised. Whichever. "Peace?" one of the news reporters squeaks.

Queen Touko looks at him condescendingly. "Yes," she says, "you may have noticed we removed the threat to your world, the Witches. We wish to share our advanced technology and sexy smiles with you earthlings."

The news reporter clears his throat. "Are there any male Kilaaks?"

The Kilaak on Queen Touko's left steps forward and blows a kiss. "Hello, earth man," he says in a manly voice. The highly impressionable news reporter swoons, leaving his hapless cameraman to catch him.

The Kilaak leader smiles tolerantly, then nods slightly at the rest of the media still standing. "We hope to talk with more of you," she says, and the bright light shines again, and when it disappears, the aliens and the UFO are gone with it.

"I think I'm in love," the reporter groans, his eyelids fluttering open.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," his cameraman grumbles, walking away.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Japanese media walk away, chattering excitedly. "Isn't it great how everything happens in Japan?" one says while rewinding tape.

"Yeah," another chuckles, "Witches, UFOs, even Godzilla!"

Someone in a hardhat blows a whistle. "Whoa, whoa, copyright!" he declares, his arms in an "x" position.

"Whoops, sorry," the second anonymous reporter mutters, hurriedly disappearing into the crowd.

Later, back at Raven's Flat, the teenage hacker clicks off the news and turns to face the rookie, the only one awake at the briefing, since Dojima went shopping, Amon and Robin were off on another mission, and Karasuma is passed out from jet lag.

"See, I told you it was aliens!" Michael beams triumphantly.

Sakaki rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, gloat all you want, Megabyte Boy, it still doesn't make the world safe yet. So, got a game plan?"

There's still a smirk on the American transplant's face. "That's not my department," he says, "and Amon's still AWOL."

Sakaki huffs. "What is with that guy?" he grouses, pulling out his motorcycle key. "When I go off, people yell at me. When Mr. Amon does it, nobody blinks."

"That's because he's the cool Goth hero and you're still the rookie," Michael grins.

The young Hunter pouts, and then a thought triumphantly makes its way all the way from his brain to his mouth. "Hey, Robin came after me. Why doesn't she get to be called the rookie?"

"Because she's g0t m4d sk1llz," the computer nut goes back to his system analyzing.

Sakaki pouts. "Man, I hate when you talk English," he mutters, walking out.


	8. Chapter 8

Meanwhile, Amon and Robin are flying over Witches' Island, which is where the non-rampaging Witches are supposed to be. The operative words being "supposed to be", since there's no giant people with crazy powers walking around. "Are you sure this is the right island?" Robin asks timidly.

Amon says nothing, but scowls intently at his communicator. Yep, latitude and longitude are there, along with Mapquest directions and GPS locater. "This is the place," he says tersely, and carefully lands the chopper near a gray block-like building. "The scientists' headquarters are here. They should be able to tell us if the UFO took the Witches or some other agency."

Robin's green eyes are filled with stars as she follows after him. "You are so cool," she murmurs breathlessly.

He doesn't turn around as he types in the code on the door's keypad, but a small smirk graces his normally stern features for a brief moment. Then the door slides open and he walks in, facing forward but his eyes darting left and right. Amon continues walking down hallway after hallway, even though from the outside, the building looks like a simple 40 by 40 establishment. Finally, they come to a door marked, appropriately enough, "SCIENTISTS' SUPER SECRET LAB: Nonscientists wait outside." Amon simply turns the doorknob and walks in, making Robin gasp at his coolness and daring before walking after him.

"Hey, you can't be in here -- oh," a pasty, middle-aged man in a white coat stops his tirade when Amon's gun is in his face. "I suppose you want to see Dr. Akio Kurosawa, correct?"

All Amon has to do is nod, and the pasty scientist leads them down yet another hall to where the good doctor's office is. The older man leaves once they reach the room, wiping his forehead of the copious sweat and averting his eyes from everyone.

Then Amon asks scientist with the slightly shaggy beard and moustache, "Dr. Kurosawa?"

The scientist stands up. "Yes?" Dr. Kurosawa looks at the goth boy, then the goth girl, with a mixture of amusement and wariness, and decides baiting the guy with the gun wouldn't be such a good idea.

"Did the UFO take your Witches, too?"

Dr. Kurosawa's eyebrows lift, then he smiles. "Ah, you're from the STN-J. Yes, yes, they did." He leads them out of his office and down a long hallway (What is with these hallways? Amon wondered but dared not ask, lest his coolness quotient go down again), then up a staircase, until they wind up behind a glassed wall to see the borders of what looks like a large cattle pen, minus the cows.

"This is where we kept the Witches, in a safe, controlled environment, with plenty of room to use their powers without destroying mainland Japan," Dr. Kurosawa nods. "This was the home of numerous lower-class Witches, but we had a few high-level ones. Like Sastre, for instance, with the power to control wind, Willem Hassailbank, an earth Craft user, Corneli, who knows Ogham like the back of his wrinkled hand, and Aki Yoshioka, who controls fire." The scientist sighs, then pinches the bridge of his nose before continuing. "Even Mamoru Kudo, a young boy with telekinetic abilities, was taken by the UFO."

"I see," Amon says seriously, even though he doesn't. "Robin, you," he looks around. "Where did she go?"

"I think she got bored with my Witches' roll call and walked out," the scientist shrugs.

And indeed, Robin has wandered to the far side of the fence, just to see where the pen ends, when a strange yellow mist fills the air. "Amon, is that you?" Robin wonders, then chokes, her green eyes watering as she inhales the bizarre fumes. Then she slumps over, and a bright light fills the air, and when it disappears, she's gone as well, boogedy-boogedy.


	9. Chapter 9

For Moonsister! (your 1-year-old prolly wouldn't appreciate this next bit, but I hope you enjoy it anywaysX-)

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the office… 

"OMGWTF?!?!?!?111???" Michael almost falls out of his chair.

"Could you speak Japanese once in a while?" the Chief grouses, scowling hard enough that his mouth disappears beneath his Charlie Chaplin-like moustache.

The young computer nerd starts to repeat himself, then pulls his headset plug from his computer, and the volume is way, way, WAY up so even a deaf man in the next city could hear it. The largest screen window is open to Nippon News Communication's station, and the reporter is talking 110 KPM in his eagerness to get the story. "Look, look, look!" he is finally reduced to saying, and the camera obligingly pans away to show a large blurry figure in the background, sending jets of fire to the tops of buildings, lighting them up like giant candles. Then the focus clears, and anyone in the STN-J can recognize Robin's distinctive blonde handlebar hairdo, her oppressive goth outfit, and yes, her distinctive fire Craft in action for the whole nation, nay, the whole world, to see!

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!" the Chief screams, several veins along his forehead and neck throbbing dangerously. "HATTORI!"

"Ye-yes, sir?" the unofficial gofer and tea-boy asks.

"Get me some tea, the general's number, and a taxi!" the bald man barks.

"Yes, sir!" Hattori nods, then scuttles off to do just those chores. Unlike the rest of the STN-J, he could usually be counted on to do exactly what he was told, which, considering how weird this whole group was, was rather bizarre.

Meanwhile, Michael is still in shock, staring at his computer while a giant Robin rampages through Tokyo, setting various buildings and occasional scenery on fire like a pyromaniac gone wild. "How could you?" he pouts, with puppy dog eyes behind his yellow glasses.

"That's disgusting," the Chief glares at the teen geek, "get your eyes back to normal." As Michael does so, the bald man continues to give orders. "Tell all the Hunters we're Hunting a new Witch -- Robin Sena."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Michael wails in despair, clutching his reddish sideburns.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!" the Chief yells back, punctuating his statement by smacking the boy in the back of his mullet head. "Now get on it!"

"Yes, sir," Michael mutters, slouching while he does so.

The bald man, on his way back to his own office, turns around and shouts, "And no slouching!"

Michael sighs loudly, sitting up straight. "Okay."

The chief shakes his head, muttering about "young kids nowadays", "why don't they listen" and "why won't medical insurance give me painkillers", walking back to his office.

Out of sight and earshot, the hacker smirks and makes high-pitched "mimimi" Beaker-like noises as he types away. He waits at least ten minutes before opening up the channel and telling everyone in a monotone what the Chief told him to tell them. And it takes about ten more minutes before anyone understands what the hell he's said, since he'd been muttering. In a monotone. In English. And then Amon chewed him out. In an even more deadpan, yet deadly monotone. In clear English, which only underlined how much he pwned back Michael for the earlier uncool photo.


	10. Chapter 10

"Game on!"

"Game on!"

"Will you two quit it? You're an embarrassment to the STN-J," Amon grumbles, and Sakaki and Michael reluctantly put their makeshift hockey gear away. The fact that they managed to scrounge up two brooms for sticks, a bristly scrubber as a puck, and use the two opposite doors of the ridiculously large "war room" as goals was rather creative, but Amon prides himself on his coolness, while the others descend into infantilism. That didn't stop them from skidding across the freshly waxed floor in their socks, however, and the lead Hunter shoves his hands in his pockets, facing away from the inanity of his so-called coworkers.

The STN-J had been called to assemble at the military headquarters, which piqued all the Hunters' interest. And the fact that General Zaizen was put in charge of the operation, rather than the Chief, was even more curious. Still, Dojima is filing her nails in a chair, her legs crossed and her right high heeled shoe swinging carelessly, while Karasuma takes the time to touch nearly every other surface "to assess the situation." When she touches the general's large mahogany desk, her eyebrows go up, and a blush colors her cheeks. "I hope they come in soon," she murmurs, scurrying away from the offending furniture. "They said there'll be bento lunch at the end of the meeting."

And it doesn't take long for people to file in, with several large men hefting in sections of a round table and setting it up efficiently before the main players come in. Hattori came in first to represent the lowest rung, followed by several scientists, including Dr. Kurosawa, then some political aides, then the Chief, then several military officials, then General Zaizen, his impassive face showing even less emotion than Amon, which was quite a feat, and finally the Prime Minister. What follows is a lot of harrumphing and galumphing. "Harrumph, harrumph," one major says.

"Galumph, galumph," another major chimes in.

General Zaizen rolls his eyes. "Okay, enough with the harrumphing and galumphing," he says, and the military officials subside. "We need to talk about who's going to fly our SY-3 to kick the Kilaaks' collective alien ass."

"How do you know it's the Kilaaks' fault?" the Prime Minister asks, seated in the plush, large-backed leather chair.

The General raises one Spock-like eyebrow at the politician. "They have the technology to abduct our giant Witches," he says patiently. "They have the gall to flirt with our reporters. And," he pauses dramatically, "I hate aliens more than I hate Witches."

One of the galumphing majors looks shocked. "But you really, really, really hate Witches."

"Which goes to show how much more I hate aliens," the gray-haired man says. "Now, who's crazy -- er, courageous enough to pilot our new fighting vehicle, the SY-3?"

"That sounds cool," Sakaki gushes, "I wanna fly it!"

"Um, anything cool automatically goes to Amon," the Chief shuts him down. "It's a rule." Amon silently nods, then passes a black handbook to the rookie, who groans when he reads it. "See?"

"Okay," the fluffy-haired biker says, "so what exactly is the SY-3? A space shuttle? A galactic fighter jet? Or is it some special space suit that shoots lasers?"

"Aw man, I wish I'd thought of a laser-shooting space suit," one of the majors groan, and is promptly slapped.

"It's a spaceship designed to fight aliens," General Zaizen says, effectively shutting down any whining or speculating. "According to our military intelligence," and he glares around the table as more than one person snickers at the phrase, "the aliens' headquarters is on the moon. The SY-3 pilot is to launch from our base in Japan, fly over the alien HQ, and blast the everliving heck out of those alien bastards!" His terse speech brings a round of applause from the military, even a little surreptitious tear-wiping.


	11. Chapter 11

"That's enough," the General says, and the handkerchiefs disappear. "We shall call this, Operation Monsterland."

Now Amon speaks up. "What kind of retarded codename is that?"

The General gives the young upstart a steely glare. "Not too stupid to leave your Goth ass on earth, pretty boy."

Amon, of course, glares back, as it is his cool Goth right to do. "That does it. Nobody says that to me without meaning it." And he stands up, causing Dojima and more than a few impressionable officers to gasp.

The Prime Minister tries to hold Goth man, I mean, Amon, back, which startles everyone, including Amon, who really doesn't like to be touched. "Listen, we need the best and brightest up there to deal with the aliens," he says, not letting go of the glaring Goth boy's coat. "Amon, we need you."

Amon, out of politeness to the other man's office, carefully pries off the politician's fingers rather than shrugging him off and slugging him. Then he replies, in his cool, manly way, "All right. But one more crack like that and I'm ramming the spaceship into the alien base, whether or not it cost billions of dollars."

General Zaizen looks like someone hit him in the stomach, squints, then nods unhappily. It's obvious he doesn't trust civilians to do the military's job, but if anyone's gonna be cannon fodder, he'd rather have some Matrix-wannabe in the suicide seat. "Fine."

"Fine," Amon nods, then walks out, his heavy trenchcoat twirling dramatically behind him before the door closes.

Then the General leans over to Dr. Kurosawa. "He doesn't get an escape pod, got it?"

The good doctor, er, scientist, nods unhappily. "All right."

"Uh, we can totally hear you, Mr. Creepy General Man," Dojima says, her high clear voice almost echoing in the large room. "Amon gets an escape pod."

"No, he doesn't," one of the majors say.

"Yah-huh," Sakaki says, pointing his weapon at the General's head.

The General is surprised anyone's got the jump on him, but smirks when his majors all point their weapons at the boy. "No way."

"Hey, wait a minute," the Prime Minister starts to sweat with the tense atmosphere, while his aides cower behind his large chair rather than surrounding him to protect him. Holding up his hands, he tries again, "We're civilized people here."

Proving their political leader wrong, the STN-J point their weapons at the military officials' heads. "But they're not playing nice," Dojima smirks at their back, appreciating how cool it is to have a jump on the enemy, even if Sakaki winds up being a bullet cushion.

"That's why we grownups don't listen to brats like you." The General pulls out his gun and points it at his own forehead. "Over my dead body will he get an escape pod," he growls.

The Chief shrugs, but doesn't lower his gun. "If you want it that way, okay," he says.

Then General Zaizen realizes what a stupid move he's just made, and lowers his gun. "Fine, he gets an escape pod," he growls, nodding to his men, who put down their weapons, and everyone, STN-J included, go back to their seats. While the noise of everyone reseating themselves is enough of a distraction, he tells the scientist in a low voice, "But no parachute for the Goth boy."

Dr. Kurosawa has to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "Of course," he says, not bothering to tell the General that parachutes are part of the landing shuttle anyways, and there's no way to remove them without dismantling most of the damn space shuttle. To distract everyone, including the General, he calls out, "Bento time!"

And mostly everyone stampedes out of the room, looking for the free boxed lunches promised at the end of the meeting, leaving the Prime Minister to mop his forehead, still seated in his plush leather chair. "Why didn't I become a cute pop idol instead of following my father's footsteps?" he wonders aloud, and is only a little grateful to find nobody, not even his aides, have hung around to hear him whine.


	12. Chapter 12

For CrimsonHowls -- thanks for waiting ever so patiently!

* * *

Much to JASDA's surprise, a host of kids join the military in the mission control room. "Um, authorized personnel only," one of the eggheads tell Dojima.

The blonde rolls her blue eyes. "Hel-LO," she says, "I'm super-authorized. I'm part of STN-J, and my supervisor, Amon, is the cool guy piloting the X-Wing Fighter."

"That's called an SY-3," the man sputters, "are you **trying** to get the author sued???"

"Oh, sorry," Dojima simpers, and her blue high heels clatter to stop behind her bald boss.

A straightlaced man points to the large digital clock over the huge display monitors. "Countdown," he declares. "Ten, nine, eight--"

"I thought I was supposed to do that," General Zaizen scowls.

"Join in if you want, sir," the countdown operator says, not looking back, "seven, six."

Everyone joins in for, "Five, four, three, two, ONE!"

"BLAST OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF!" Michael squeals, and as the shuttle lifts off, everyone looks at him. "What?"

"Somebody get that nerd out of here," the General scowls, but looks surprised when most of the mission control glares at him. "What?"

"Dude, we're all nerds here," the countdown dude shakes his head as the other mission control guys link arms with Michael.

"I'm so not!" Dojima declares while Karasuma rolls her eyes.

The counter winks at the blonde, who shudders. "You can be an honorary nerd," he says sweetly, then turns around when the static of Amon's microphone gets everyone's attention.

"Can you hear me?" Amon asks, and they can see him fiddling with numerous buttons and instrumentations.

"We can see you, too," the Chief says. "How the hell did you learn how to fly that thing so fast?"

Amon holds up a black book with yellow characters as its title. Translated, it reads, "Piloting Random Military Space Shuttles like SY-3 for Cool Goth Guys." While everyone groans, Amon tosses the manual to the side. "And I've got mechanics here if things get really technical or broken."

Everyone in mission control breathes a sigh of relief. "Re-LIEF!" they sigh.

Amon glares at them for the bad joke, and then his monitor glitches, which causes more than one person in mission control to squeal. "It's not me," he says when the picture and sound clear up.

"I got it!" Michael says, somehow hooking his laptop to one of the ginormous computers in the room. "Let me add captioning, in case we lose him again or the static gets too loud."

The STN-J claps, and then stop when they see more glitching. "Michael, what's wrong?" Karasuma asks.

While the redhead shakes his head, Amon's voice sounds like it's coming in through several synthesized filters. _"What happen?"_

From behind him, the mechanic answers, _"Somebody set up us the bomb."_

_"We get signal,"_ the countdown guy, or rather, operator at mission control says, also hitting buttons at a furious speed.

_"What!"_ Amon glares.

The operator hits more buttons, _"Main screen turn on."_

Amon stares as he sees what everyone else in mission control can see in their other monitor. _"It's You!!"_

Touko, Queen of the Kilaaks, smirks as only an alien queen in a shiny aluminum-type spacesuit can. _"How are you gentlemen!!"_

Before anyone can reply, she adds, _"All your base are belong to us."_

While everyone is still in "what the f" mode, Touko finishes off with, "You are on the way to destruction."

Amon scowls. _"What you say!!"_ His scowl deepens when he realizes how idiotic he sounds.

The alien queen doesn't seem to care that both she and Amon have both started talking in a stilted, synthesized manner. Maybe aliens don't worry about that sort of thing. _"You have no chance to survive make your time,"_ she says. After a pause, she adds, _"HA HA HA HA ..."_

What the hell, Amon thinks, then shouts, _"Take off every 'zig'!!"_ He scowls again, then tries to say something that makes sense. _"You know what you doing."_ That wasn't much better. _"Move 'zig'."_ He frowns. What the hell is a "zig" and why does he keep saying that? _"For great justice."_ Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiigh!!!!

Michael finally looks up from his laptop and squint. "Why are they talking like 'Zero Wing'?"

The accident-prone Hunter shakes his head. "What's that?" Sakaki asks.

"Uh, nothing," the hacker says quickly, hearing the author sharpening knives behind his back.

Sakaki, oblivious to Michael's literary travails, goes on. "And why are those hot chicks, I mean, evil aliens dressed like refrigerated leftovers?"

"Why are the astronauts dressed like Devo fans?" Michael adds, miraculously free of the author's evil attentions.

Sakaki blinks. "What the hell is a Devo?" Then he frowns. "And how come Amon's in a black firefighter suit while everyone else is in yellow rain jackets?"

Michael grins. "Those are spacesuits, or as Dojima would say, the latest in outer space couture."

Dojima shrugs. "We never did get the evil aliens' reason for attacking Earth."

As if on cue, Touko says, "We Kilaaks will stop the fire Witch if you surrender."

Amon glares manfully at the uncomfortably hot alien chick. "I don't think so, Kye-lax." And is relieved to find he's speaking normally again, but chooses to keep his cool exterior.

Touko screams, "It's pronounced "kee-locks," you idiot."

As if making up for the stilted speech, Amon says further, "Besides, I don't care what you do to Robin. She's our friend, while you're just an ugly extraterrestrial tramp in tin foil."

The alien queen blinks, her mouth open in an exaggerated "oh" shape. But she recovers quickly, "You dare insult me, Touko, Queen of the Kilaaks? For that, you shall die!" Then she pauses. "Ha ha, ha!"

Karasuma shakes her head, sighing. "You never call a woman ugly, Amon, even if she is an evil alien chick bent on using Robin to wreak destruction on Japan." Everyone in the mission control room and the SY-3 space shuttle nods.

"Oh, boy," the angsty Goth dude groans, and manages to duck the first volley of bad special effects missiles from the moon.


	13. Chapter 13

Iggy Enigma -- thanks for checking this out! & another fan of both WHR & Godzilla, too? We're gonna take over the world, muhahahahahaha!!! XD Er, yeah, okay...;-p

* * *

Thanks to Amon pissing off the evil alien queen, Earth not only gets one Witch torching up Tokyo, but also Sastre tossing buildings and people with sheets of wind in Paris, Willem Hassailbank creating avalanches and earthquakes in Mumbai, Corneli, coughing up a storm and drawing Ogham spells in Toronto, Aki Yoshioka, mirroring Robin's actions in New York City, and Mamoru Kudo, who looks the scariest as a giant boy with telekinetic abilities, reshaping L.A. like a personal sandbox. The veins in the Chief's forehead look like they're about to burst as he watches the extra monitors fill with destruction. "The Kilaaks have not only put the Witches' Island Witches all over the world, but they dumped the other Witches back in Moscow, Beijing, and London," he yells. "This is all your fault, Amon!"

"Save it," Amon says tersely, having problems of his own. The anti-SY-3 special effects, er, missiles are proving to be more dangerous than he'd thought, and the tiny spacecraft is taking a lot of hits. Hey, if he knew alien chicks were so thin-skinned, he wouldn't have said anything. Maybe. His thumbs are starting to twitch on their own from hitting the firing buttons repeatedly, and he hopes they don't run out of ammo since they're still too far from the alien base. "How's Robin?"

Dojima runs into the room, panic written all over her face. "General Zaizen just ordered the Japanese SDF to surround Robin and attack!"

"What?" the Chief and Amon say at the same time. Then Amon mutters, "Jinx," and in a louder voice, says, "Dojima, wipe that panic off your face. Karasuma, I want you and Sakaki down at the front line to contain Robin. Chief, I want you and Michael to get the police to stop the SDF."

Dojima puts her compact mirror and dirty tissue away, having wiped the panic off her face. "And what are you gonna do, Amon?"

More special effects missiles from the moon are firing at him, and the manly leader of the STN-J merely glares at his team, the twitch in his tightly clenched jaw saying for him, 'I'm gonna blow this stupid base off the face of the moon!' Then static kills both audio and visual, and while the STN-J get their collective asses in gear, the people in mission control squeak and start calculating and pushing buttons to re-establish communication and figure out how to help Amon from where they're at.


	14. Chapter 14

In record time, the police get to the scene, which is a bit of a mess, since it's either on fire from Robin's flames, or demolished from the SDF's tanks and artillery, or clogged with people trying to run away from the whole scene. Yep, there's still people screaming and running away, 'cause Tokyo's crowded like that, and for all the weird attacks, they've yet to develop systemized escape routes for thousands of panicked, endangered civilians. So while the police do crowd and SDF control, Sakaki and Karasuma attempt to bring their coworker, er, Witch, um, big scary Robin under control as well.

"Hey, Karasuma, any ideas?" Sakaki asks, narrowly swerving from another jet of fire on his much-abused motorcycle. Too bad her glasses grew along with her body, he thinks, otherwise, she'd miss a lot more often. "I don't wanna be fried unagi any time soon!"

"Sorry!" Karasuma says, trying to run along an undamaged roof with a large grenade launcher. "Every time I get a clear shot, she gets me first."

"Then just shoot as much as you can!" Sakaki howls with frustration. "Maybe you'll get lucky!"

"Is that how you operate?" his partner would arch an eyebrow, but she's too busy to be ironic about anything right now. "Gee, I never would have guessed."

"Shut up," he grouses, doing another U-ey on his bike. "If you don't start firing, all of Japan will be on fire!" Then his heart stops as another firebolt comes his way, and hits the front tire. His motorcycle now a flaming heap of metal, Sakaki flies off, automatically going into a tuck and roll to cushion the blow. "Dammit!" he screams, relieved he's alive and nothing's broken, but pissed at the fact that his bike's totaled. "That's coming out of your paycheck!"

Startled, Karasuma laughs, and the giant Witch turns, surprised at the sound. "Oh, Haruto-kun, you're so…"

"What?" Sakaki glares, almost catching up with his partner so he could pound some sense into her -- um, reason with her. Yeah, that's it. "I'm so WHAT?"

"SILLY!" Karasuma gasps, doubling over and giving in to a belly laugh. "You're so silly, Haru… hahahaaa, hee hee hee…"

Both Sakaki and giant Robin are dumbfounded when the normally-reserved Hunter is rolling on the roof, clutching her stomach as she laughs so hard, tears come from her eyes. However, Sakaki isn't quite so distracted, and while his partner is enjoying herself at his expense, he grabs her grenade launcher, aims it at the Witch -- argh, team member, well, a crazy giant version of her -- and fires an Orbo grenade.

It hits her squarely on her forehead, and she rubs it. "Ouch," she says in a large, almost bass version of her normally high and quiet voice. Then she frowns, "I don't feel so good…" and her large green eyes roll back behind her odd-shaped glasses.

Sakaki instinctively ducks and covers his eyes as the giant Witch tumbles to the ground. It's only when the dust clears that he opens his eyes, thankful to see nothing else has been torched and Robin starting to shrink back to her normal size. "Hey, you okay?" he asks Karasuma when she wipes the tears from her eyes.

"Hm? Oh yeah, I'm fine," she smiles over at him. Then she frowns, looking like herself again. "Did you get Robin?"

Shaking his head to clear it of dust, Sakaki pauses and nods. "Yeah, that was the big ka-boom in the background while you were laughing your head off."

Standing up, her back ramrod straight, Karasuma is back to her no-nonsense, older sister-type role again. "Sure, right," she says in clipped tones, walking quickly to reach Robin before anyone else does.

Sakaki gapes in astonishment, then runs after her.


	15. Chapter 15

Meanwhile, Amon's stuck on the moon, doing his patented Lone Wolf Hunter ™ thang, racing across the empty landscape with nothing but a spacesuit and a fully loaded weapon. Okay, the landscape's not entirely empty, since the space craft is still marooned several clicks away, with the mechanics desperately working to repair the damaged craft, and the Kilaak moon base less than a few kilometers away. And then there's him. Well, hell, he's a Hunter, not an author, but he's still cool and stealthy.

And so the cool and stealthy, if not entirely accurate, Amon sneaks onto the alien base grounds, not even breaking a sweat, since he's mostly weightless with the whole less-than-Earth's-gravity thing. Once he gets inside the appropriately alien-shaped building, however, his weighted boots drag uncomfortably, and the Hunter scowls. Fortunately, he's got his regular boots inside, so while he's bending down, unzipping the space boots, an impressionable Kilaak squeals, then faints, upon the sight of his ass.

Amon looks up, wearing only his regular Sneaky But Cool Black Hunter Boots ™, and tears off the Kilaak's helmet to see it's a male alien. Then he shudders, since he's a manly man, dammit, and really not into that brokeback stuff. Still, he realizes an opportunity when he sees it, and drags the unconscious alien into an empty room, strips him, sprays the inside of the alien suit with anti-bacterial spray, and puts it on. Hey, he might be a manly man, but even he knows how nasty wearing someone else's clothes is, especially an alien's. Once fully disguised, he walks out of the room and down the hallway, clad in the aluminum foil spacesuit.

Well, the disguise may hide most of his face, but it can't hide his physique, gait, and pheromones. It isn't long before he's accosted by one female Kilaak after another, and now his once-stealthy mission is replaced by his worst nightmare -- okay, second-worst nightmare, coming right after going nuts and turning into a Witch -- he's being smothered by a horde of squealing, giggly female Kilaaks, all of whom find some way or another to grope him. Trying desperately to block out the high-pitched squeals and constant touching, Amon loses his cool and shouts, "WILL YOU QUIT IT?!?!?!!!!"

They stop, back off, and pout as one, as if told to by an invisible and inaudible director. "Are you gay or something?" one of them says petulantly, unzipping her top, revealing an ample amount of fanservice. The others do the same, and Amon gulps.

"Hell, no!" the manly man in black retorts, dragging his eyes up to meet theirs.

The ones closest to him blinks, then smiles, "Then there's no problem, is there?" Again, they surge around him, and Amon relives his second-worst nightmare of being touched by hundreds of beautiful alien babes. Yeah, some nightmare. Anyways, while he was suffering in his touch-me-not kind of way, a battalion of male Kilaaks surround them. "Surrender, Earth person, we have you surrounded," they say, pointing their ray guns at him.

"I'm already surrounded!" he yells over the female Kilaaks' squealing. Instinctively, he reaches for his weapon -- only to find his Orbo gun's not there. Neither is his Orbo grenade launcher, hunting knife, handful of hand grenades, anti-Witch pistol, Swiss Army knife, a kilo of plastique, hemp rope, and assortment of shuriken -- hey, a Hunter can't be too careful. He's starting to get really pissed off now.

But before he can properly vent his anger, the female Kilaaks take their hands off to point his own weapons at him. Wow, this is starting to really suck for me, he thinks, placing his hands on his head as they march him off at multiple gunpoint.


	16. Chapter 16

In Paris, Karasuma is trying her best to save the world -- only she never expected it to go like this.

"Michael, are you sure about this?" she asks, dodging another of Sastre's wind jets. "It's hard to believe that my laughing would do it."

"Miss Karasuma, we've run all the tests, and according to the results, you're the only Hunter whose modulation and frequency can disrupt and eliminate the effects of the aliens' mind control gas," the hacker replies from Raven's Flat. "I know it's hard to find something funny in your current situation, but do your best."

"Yeah, that'll make her laugh her head off," Sakaki rolls his eyes in Moscow. "By the way, we're reading you loud and clear, Karasuma."

"Same here, but hurry, Miho," Dojima whines from Beijing. "Sayoko's playing with the Chinese army like they were her toys!"

"I can hear you fine as well," Robin says from New York. "Unfortunately, having two fire Craft Users in the same city isn't going so well."

"Oh, boy," Dojima sighs. Then she grins, an evil, Grinch-before-the-end-of-the-movie kind of grin. "Hey, Miho," she says way too consolingly, "just think about Amon, our fearless leader, not being angsty enough to be Goth."

"He is too angsty!" Robin retorts, even as her male teammates snicker.

The blonde Hunter rolls her eyes. "Puh-leeeze. In spite of all that stylish black clothes, he's really just emo. If he was on LJ, his page would be 'Too Emo to Care', filled with all the whining about how dark and dramatic his life as a Hunter is, as well as the usual cliché of how nobody understands him, hence, he's entitled to be an emo boy." She grins as she hears Michael spit his soft drink.

"His life is dark and dramatic!" Robin snaps, then sends a searing jet at Aya, venting her anger much too easily at the wrong target. "Amon is monotonous, has long and pretty hair, fights like a sneaky man, and wears cool black clothes -- and of course nobody understands him, that's why he's Goth!"

There's a long pause, and then, around the world, the air is filled with laughter. Dojima's high-pitched giggles start first, followed by Michael's chuckles, then Sakaki's guffaws, and finally Karasuma's snorts, then giggles, then outright guffaws. "Oh, Robin!" is Karasuma's last intelligible words before she succumbs to a fit of the rolling belly laughs. While she's laughing her head off, the other Hunters take aim at the distracted and surprised Witches and fire. Seconds later, while Sastre is staring at astonishment at the tiny laughing lady, Karasuma fires her Orbo launcher, and sends the Witch tumbling down.


	17. Chapter 17

Well, maybe not quite the way Amon thinks, but it is a showdown...

* * *

In the assembly room of the moon base, Amon is having a really, really suck day. Or night, he can't tell. Either way, it's no fun being tied, spread-eagled, stripped of his weapons and his cool trenchcoat and Shakespearian-type top, the human centerpiece of the auditorium, while thousands of Kilaaks, male and female, drool over him, and the queen snapping her whip to make sure nobody gets too close. When she's sure the crowd is sufficiently cowed, she turns imperiously to the Earthman. "So, you thought that you could attack us without getting caught? Stupid human, your pitiful spacecraft is naught but a wreck, your Witches are destroying the Earth for us, and you yourself are helpless before us. What makes you think you could prevail against us?" 

Even though he's obviously no threat, he still looks good in his pale, well-sculpted, fangirl drool-inducing way, all tied up and topless, his long shaggy hair covering his dark eyes. "Because I've got that cool Lone Wolf Hunter ™ thang goin' on," he smirks in his deep monotone, "there's no way I can lose."

The Kilaak queen blinks, taken aback by both his impertinence, and yes, by his extreme coolness. Then she grimaces. "I want you to see your precious Earth destroyed by your Witches," she glares, "and in that knowledge, despair and die!" Snapping her fingers, quite a trick since she's wearing gloves, she commands, "Minions, turn on the monitors! I, Touko, Queen of the Kilaaks, command it!"

The monitors switch on, and various cities of the Earth, with helpful identifying subtitles, are displayed. Touko smiles at the sight, but then she frowns. "I see the destruction, but where are the monsters? Um, I mean, Witches?"

Then they hear a large thud, along with the room shaking. "We're not supposed to have earthquakes on the moon, right?" one of the Kilaaks asks nervously.

"Of course not, duh," Touko rolls her eyes, but it doesn't stop the thunderous thoom, thoom, thoom, and the crystal monitors shake with every thoom. It's like something big, thoom, something strong, thoom, something scary, thoom, that in no way resembles a dinosaur, thoom, coming closer, thoom, and closer, thoom.

Suddenly, defenseless Amon smiles down at the mob. "You were wondering where the Witches are?" he says, and Touko looks at him. It's the first time she's seen the human male with an expression other than a scowl, and the sight frightens her. "They're right here."

And then the roof and the walls explode, and both Witches and Hunters jump into the control room.


	18. Chapter 18

For Iggy Enigma, waiting ever so patiently... & for all the dads, Happy Father's Day!

* * *

The Kilaaks scream and stampede out, while the queen has a royal hissy fit. "Stop," she screams, "get back in here and destroy these Earthlings! We've got superior weapons and intellect, remember?"

"Ohhhhh, yeeeaaah!" the Kilaaks say, as if they just remembered, then grab their ray guns and start shooting back. The Witches, large as they are, scream, but continue to stomp and fling the aliens about.

"Wow, Amon, you've got even less clothes on than I did," Sakaki smirks as he shoots the shackles off the lead Hunter.

"Oh, Amon!" Robin sighs, then faints, 'cause she's all impressionable like that.

"Oh, brother," Amon mutters, his manly manness not putting up with silly girly giddiness like that. "Sakaki, give me your clothes."

"Lucky for you, we got your clothes and weapons from the queen's chamber," Sakaki says blithely, tossing the newly-freed Hunter the items. "What were they doing in there?"

"Never mind that," Amon says, even more tersely than usual, and slings the grenade launcher on his shoulder. "We've got some alien ass to kick."

The queen is watching the scene of carnage, Hunters and Witches versus Kilaaks, and in spite of her earlier declaration, her odds aren't looking good. "Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgh!!!!" Touko stamps her feet like a three-year-old human. "This can't be happening!!!"

"I know, I can't believe it, either!" a reporter from Nippon News Communication says, mic in hand and pulling up a seat. "Look at Kent Nishiyama tossing Kilaaks around without touching a single one! His hat's still on his head, isn't that insane?"

"Perhaps it's because he's telekinetic, you twit," the Kilaak queen snaps waspishly.

"And Kazuya Misawa's doing unbelievable things to the aliens," the reporter continues on breathlessly, "kids, cover your eyes, because their insides have turned into outsides!"

"That's just as bad!" Touko cries, covering her eyes.

"Oh my gosh, did those bugs do that much damage?" the reporter turns, grabbing the camera to turn in the same direction. "I knew Kazuma Kurata's youth came through his bugs, but I didn't realize it's just as effective on aliens as Witches! This is incredible!"

Touko puts her head in her hands, groaning.

Ignoring the plight of the alien queen, the reporter goes on. "And isn't it nice to see the ladies working together? Chie is controlling her dolls like soldiers, who are pinning the aliens while Sayoko slices the aliens to pieces! Teamwork is such a beautiful thing," he wipes the tears his eyes.

The Kilaak queen finds the reporter a convenient puppet to vent her frustrations upon. "Will you stop that?" she yells, putting the reporter in a headlock and starting to twist.

Unfortunately for her, it only gives him yet another view of the fight. "And would you believe Sastre is blowing aliens all over the place with his Craft?" he says, as if his head isn't twisted completely to his back. "And it looks like Corneli and Willem Hassailbank are good friends, the way they use their Ogham runes and Earth Craft is both seamless and skillful in trapping and destroying Kilaaks!"

"Arrrrrrrrgh!!!!" Touko screams, shaking the idiot. "Shut up, shut up, shut uuuuuuuup!!!!"

His head bobbling all over the place, the reporter finds new things to, well, report. "That's not to say that the Hunters have been twiddling their thumbs, no, far from it!" he says. "Most of the STN-J are shooting down aliens left and right with their modified grenade launchers, causing almost as much destruction as the Witches!" Now his head is hitting the floor, his body pinned by the enraged alien queen. "Listen to the aliens and their cries of horror and sudden death!"

"Why, won't, you, die?" Touko grits between her teeth, punctuating every word by slamming the reporter's head against the floor.

"Don't you know the media is indestructible?" Robin says, flames lighting her green eyes. "If a group has a motto like, 'If it bleeds, it leads,' you know they're not normal humans."

"You mean you're Kilaak, too?" Touko stops slamming the reporter.

"Nope, I'm just your average reporter," he says brightly, "ready to exploit, uh, report the next big thing!"

"Report this!" she cries, and grows into a giant Kilaak, promptly stepping on the reporter and squashing him like a bug.

"Ew," Robin says, "even he didn't deserve to die like that."


	19. Chapter 19

Of course, all the witches, seeing that Touko's the new Big Bad Boss to Destroy, do their level best to, well, destroy her. Unfortunately, she's harder to kill than a fart in an elevator, and, one by one, the witches are down for the count. "This is ridiculous," Amon says in his manly-man voice, and fires an Orbo grenade launcher.

All it does, however, is make her angry. And considering how much bigger Touko is, you wouldn't want to make her angry. But since she is, she turns green, on top of being big and mean, and she raises her fists. "Touko MAD!" she shouts, and the Kilaak moon base shakes with her roar. The surviving handful of Kilaaks quiver, then scatter, because they know what's coming.

The Hunters, however, don't, and stand their ground. "Puh-leeze," Dojima flips her blonde hair, "like that isn't a blatant rip-off of--"

Sakaki covers her mouth, ignoring her glare. "Look, we don't want to piss off the author," he hisses, "look how long she took getting back to this story!"

The blonde girl blinks, then nods, removing the boy's hand from her mouth. "Okay, so what now?" she hisses back.

The shaggy-haired teen shrugs. "Now, we watch the fireworks," he says, pointing at the other Hunters.

And fireworks it is. Between Amon's Orbo launcher, Karasuma's Orbo bullets and Robin's pyro attacks, it is starting to look like a Fourth of July scene, minus the barbeque and musicians. But Touko's pounding the floor, making cracks and causing mild earthquakes which topple the Hunters, or doing her best to squash them. Finally, she does the unthinkable and actually knocks Amon out.

There's a long pause, and the women, including the monstrous-huge Touko, look at each other. "Oh, no, she did-ent," Dojima says in a bad imitation of ebonics.

"Oh, yes, she dayd," Karasuma replies in the same bad accent.

Robin, however, is shaking with fury, and then her green eyes flash with fire. Suddenly, she shoots up into Witch size, and while not as big as Touko, looks about as deadly. "You bitch!" she shouts, and hurls a ball of fire at the Kilaak queen. "You smashed my hottie!"

Touko ducks, but her hair, which has grown big as well, gets the brunt of it, and she shrieks, running around before she smashes her head into a wall to put it out. "He's not a hottie," she retorts, "he's a stupid little man!"

"Says the woman who stripped him of his clothes," Sakaki smirks.

Robin's eyes blaze again, and this time, she fries Touko where she stands. "How dare you!" she shrieks.

"Help me, I'm burning, I'm burning!" the Kilaak queen gasps, her body twisted with the flames.

Then Karasuma hefts Amon's Orbo grenade launcher and fires several rounds at the burning giant, while Sakaki fires his Orbo gun. Only when Touko is reduced to a pile of ashes does Robin sink to her knees, relieved, and then shrinks back to normal size. "Oh, Amon," she rushes over to the fallen man, whose color is slowly returning to his pale, pale face. "Please tell me you're all right!"

Amon wakes up to find Robin holding him with tear-filled eyes, the other Hunters looking grimy and weary, and a huge mountain of ashes with no sign of the Kilaaks anywhere. "I'm all right," he says gruffly, sitting up. "What the hell happened?"

"Robin torched Touko after you got knocked out," Sakaki says ever-so-delicately, and Karasuma elbows him. "What?"


	20. Chapter 20

And quicker than you can say, or ride, "public transportation," our beloved Hunters are back in Japan. The scientists, led by Dr. Kurosawa, are busy herding the Witches back onto Witch Island, while the military, led by General Zaizen, are busy hoarding all the glory, but the Witch Hunters don't care. They know they were the ones who saved Earth's ass, no matter who's in the parade.

And so, as they get back to Raven's Flat, triumphant background music swells to an improbable sunrise -- improbable because sunrise happened a few hours ago. Oh well. On to the music:

"I consider it a challenge before  
The whole human race  
And I ain't gonna lose

And we mean to go on and on and on and on

"We are the champions - my friends  
And we'll keep on fighting  
Till the end  
We are the champions  
We are the champions  
No time for losers  
'Cause we are the champions of the World!"

Amon glares at the world at large. "Why the hell is Queen playing? I thought we always had cool music, not Freddie Mercury."

"Are you saying Freddie's not cool?" the Chief says in a dangerous tone.

The Goth Hunter gives him a disdainful look, but is surprised to find more than one Hunter backs up the bald man. Damn. "Um, never mind."

And for a usually grim crowd, the Hunters of Raven's Flat are very, very cheerful. Heck, even Godzilla rises briefly from the ocean waters and lets out a triumphant bellow across the waves, managing not to burn down Tokyo as the monster sinks under the ocean again.

"Was that..?" Robin's green eyes are wide.

Karasuma blinks, then nods. "Yes. But I won't tell Japan if you won't." Robin agrees, surprised that no one else noticed a huge rubber-scaly monster yell, even above the loud music.

The short-haired girl then folds her arms, smiling at the others like the older sister she acts like she is. The Chief yells at Hattori to make him some tea, and the frazzled clerk rushes inside the goth-like building to do just that. Then Sakaki hits on Dojima, who pretends to be offended at first, but then smiles and hooks her arm in his.

Meanwhile, Amon is standing off in the distance, pretending like he doesn't know the strange crew listening to Queen. Robin, of course, fends off Michael's unskilled advances and crushes his puppy love in one blow, before running after Amon. "Amon?" she says in her quiet voice.

And amazingly, in spite of the deafening music that isn't background anymore, Amon hears her. He turns, and a mysterious wind blows his longish black hair and heavy-ass trenchcoat, making him look very GQ. "What is it?" he asks, ignoring the fallen hacker lying by the side of the road.

Robin, too, is ignoring Michael, but that's because her green, green eyes are on the Goth King, er, Amon. "Can we do the final shot together?" the dark-clad girl asks, still in her quiet voice.

He nods, and she stands beside him. Then, like an efficient photographer, Amon adjusts her stance, then her head tilt, then nods before putting his arms around her. And, facing the improbable sunrise, they stare impassively yet dramatically like a picture-perfect emo couple, ending with a nice freeze-frame as Queen plays on.

THE END!!!!


End file.
